It's been over 2 months since my last post. Every time I want to Blog, I just can't. I have really been in a funk lately and that's and understatement. I still keep up with all of the blogs I follow and love to read others adventures but can't seem to get out what it is I want to blog about.
I recently came across a blog post by Kelle Hampton over at Enjoying The Small Things. She had done a FAQ post and answered some of her readers questions. Here is the one that made me realize that if I want to blog, I have to be open and honest and give readers a small piece of me.
Q: I really want to start a blog about life - the good and bad stuff in it. It is a dream of mine to write. But one thing holds me back, and it is knowing that if I am writing about my personal life I have to be truthful and not hold back. And I just don't know if I want all of my small town to know everything that I am feeling. I would rather just everyone else out in the big world to read it. :) How do you get past that? And how do you decide what to share and what not to? I just can't get past this.
A: This is a great question. While the Internet and blogging present wonderful sharing and connecting opportunities, it also means your words can be seen by anyone, and they are permanent. Everyone has a different comfort level, and you need to remain true to yourself and what feels good to you. I maintain a certain level of respect on my blog and will never use it to defame someone's character or hurt someone. If I ever question "Will I regret writing this?," I think long and hard about why I'm asking myself that question. I have shared personal stories that may cause judgment, but that happens in real life too. The people whose feelings I care most about embrace me for who I am. Whenever we write about our lives--on a blog, in a book, in an e-mail--we are sharing a piece of ourselves. A piece. By selecting which pieces to share, do we run the risk that people will assume things that aren't true or misinterpret our words? Absolutely. When I write publicly, I think about what I'm choosing to write about, what good will come of my writing, and how my words will affect others. And if I feel good about those choices, I write on.
I have so much that I know that I want to write but I always pull myself back from doing so...I don't want to be embarrassed or judged. Even though I know that I should not worry about those things because whether it's on a blog or in real life, it's going to happen. So, where to begin...
First and fore most, I suffer from depression. As much as I hate to admit that to the world, I know I am not alone. I was doing so good for so long and a couple of months back, I regressed and am now taking medication to help combat it. It began with a rough couple of months at work and having to deal with things there that no one should have to in the workplace. Then, with the financial things we are going through, everything has just been hard! Harder than hard!
There are days that I don't see the point in even getting out of bed. Why put myself through the workday when I know what it's going to do to me emotionally. I will say though, that things seem to be better but I'm not holding my breathe for it to last. It'll be good one week and bad the next. It's just one never ending emotional roller coaster. I have done all that I can at my job to make things better but it's done no good. So now, my mindset is, go to work, do my job, don't talk to anyone, get paid, go home. That's a very hard mindset to stick to for me because I care about what I do and the company I work for and want to be the best employee I can be.
I have recently applied for a new position, had my interview and am now waiting. I am working on getting my certification for this position but even with getting the certification, there is no guarantee I will get the job. I plan to take my exam on October 5, as long as we can come up with the money for me to do so. I want this job, more than anything I've wanted in a long time. At first, I thought that I was doing it to get out of the current situation at work but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that is not the case. If I wanted out from that situation, I would have applied for any and every job opening there has been. That's not the case. I want this position because I know I can do it, learn it, and be great at it. I want this position because it could open up other possibilities. I want this position for not only myself but for my family, to prove to the one's who doubt me that I can do it and to prove to Avari that you can do whatever you set your mind to.
I am really not holding my breathe that I will get the job though. It's one of those things that I feel like I'm not even going to be given the chance. I have worked my ass off and CAN do it. I just don't think my boss has much faith in me, even though I have never given him a reason not to. I have always done what has been asked of me and more. I've come out of my quiet, shy, soft spoken to shell to become a very reliable, dependable employee! So I'm asking for prayers, prayers that I am given this wonderful opportunity and they realize that I am just as capable as the next person.
Now for my personal life....where to begin? First of all, I love being a mother and would give anything to be able to expand our family but right now, that is just not financially possible. I will not have another child until I can afford to have another child. Avari is the joy and light of my life but I know what's its like to grow up an only child and now that I am an adult, it is lonely. I have no one there to lean on when things get hard and would give anything to have a sister close to my age! So, I hope that one day, I can give her a sibling!
On to our finances...I'll admit. We have made some bad choices in that regard. We have learned from those mistakes but are still trying to pay for them. No matter what we do, we can't get ahead. I feel like the more expensive things get, the harder it gets. We've already cut down our cable, our cell bills and only grocery shop once a month with the exception of going to grab milk or other necessities. I know it'll all be OK eventually but the stress of it all is not good for my depression. In fact, just having to think about all of the money woes, it puts me in panic attack mode and I fell like everything is crashing down around me.
At the end of August, I have a really bad breakdown. Not just because of finances but because I am still struggling with the death of my grandmother, who passed 13 years ago. I just feel that if she were still here, maybe things would be different. She was always one to be able to get through to me and to be there for me no matter what. The pain has gotten easier over time but it just doesn't go away and probably never will.
Jacob and I have definitely had our fair share of struggles and to say that everything is perfect would be a lie, but things are good. We have our moments, especially when it comes to something to do with Avarii, disciplining her, etc. She is sleeping in our bed and many nights, Jacob has to sleep elsewhere because she is a bed hog. She's also a night owl so us getting to spend any quality time together is few and far between. I think if we could set aside more time for us, date nights, or what ever it may be, things could upgrade for good to great! All in time I guess....
There it is...just a glimpse of my life and what troubles me. There is so much more and I could go on for pages and pages but I'll save it for other posts.
Please don't judge me...I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be. I'm just a small town country girl trying to make it this thing we call Life!