Today marks two weeks. Two weeks since my Aunt Susan passed away. She was 47 years old and had a hard battle with cancer. She was a very special woman, who could light up a room. I had the privilege of not only being her neice but her co-worker. We got to work closely together before her leave of absence and I still find it hard to walk past her office or hear people talk about the job she loved so much.
I know there are many stages to grieving although I do not know what they exactly are or where I am at. I think I'm still in shock. It was sudden. I knew she was sick, but not that sick.
I replay the phone call from my dad that morning over and over. It was 6:20 am. The first time he called, I didn't answer. Why would he be calling so early? What was I in trouble for now? He left a message. I listened and my heart sank when he said, "call me back, it's about Susan". I was fully prepared for him to say that she was not doing good and they were taking her back to the hospital. But that's not what he said. "Susan died last night". My first response was "no she didn't". I couldn't fathom it. "Yes she did", was all he said and I lost it. I told him that I would get ready and head out there but he said he was just now heading there and would let me know more later. I hung up with him and collapsed to the floor. I was lost. Not sure what to think. Dad called back shortly after to tell me to come over. "It'll be about 30 minutes before the funeral home arrives." I scrambled to get myself and Avari dressed and we were there shortly after 7. I gave Avari to my dad and walked inside. I lost it. I couldn't believe all this was happening.
I did get the chance to go in and see her before the funeral home took her and I just cried. Cried for her, for her unborn grandchild and for my family.
I remember receiving a call from her back in January. She called me at work, just to share the news and to check on how I was doing. She was so excited and just found out they were going to be grandparents and she sounded so good. She said she was doing good and just tired.
It was a flood of emotions that day, coming back after almost 12 years. Twelve years since my grandmother passed away. I hadn't lost anyone since then that I was close to. It took me a good year of crying myself to sleep after Nanie passed before I felt ok again.
I keep thinking that she's going to walk into work. I know she's not. I know she is no longer in pain and is fully healed of her cancer now. I know she is with Nanie and we all have two perfect angels to watch over us.
Quote for today:
"Loss leaves us empty - but learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void." ~Pam Brown