Tough Decisions

My posts keep getting fewer and far between. I've been pretty down in the dumps the last 2 weeks for sure.

Tonight we have to make a tough decision. Whether or not to cancel Christmas and Avari's birthday. With Jacob losing his job, the money just isn't there. Majority of gifts had already been bought and money spent and invitations sent to the birthday party before he lost his job. I have never in my life had to cancel or skip anything but this year, I think we just may. I'm debating whether or not to just take down all of the decorations and just pretend that Christmas this year is just another day. We already know all of the gifts have to be returned so why have the tree if there's nothing to go under it? Avari's hopes are already up about Christmas but we can give her 1 thing now, pretend it's Christmas and then take everything down.

As for her birthday, that's just going to be a loss. All the money already spent on decorations and invitations, a cute out fit for her to wear, all of it, now trash. I even ordered a specialty cake for the first time this year and have yet to cancel it, it's just too embarassing to do. I know that we can't afford this cake now but it was supposed to be special. Our whole family, especially Avari, has been through so much this past year that this was supposed to be something good in this horrible year.

I have no clue where to go from here or what to do. At the end of this month, we will have no money for anything. Everything will be behind, and we have been working so hard to get caught up. We even had a plan for next year, to get out of debt and now all that's down the drain.

Sometimes I wonder why God hates me so much to put me through almost 26 years of hell. What few good memories and times I've had don't even compare to the hell that I have been through. I'm just tired of trying so damn hard to constantly be crapped on. I am done! I give up! I don't expect much. I just want to be able to provide food and shelter and a nice birthday and Christmas for my family. I don't have a fancy house or car but I work hard for what I do have. Now everything I have worked for, will probably be sold or taken away.

The saddest part is that Avari will have to suffer. I will be pulling her from her dance class at the end of this month. I am going to have to find other options for her schooling. And I guess she'll have to learn to live off of the food we have in the house. She won't be able to be a picky eater anymore.

I just never thought that I would be here. I have tried so hard to give her a better life than what I had. Hell, I even have a good job but it's not enough.

Jacob thinks we should ask for help from our parents, but I'm not doing it. We already owe them so much money from helping us in the past that I don't want to increase our debt any further.

I don't know what to do! I'm just going to go crawl in my hole and hope that this nightmare disappears!