New and Improved!

It has been so long since I last blogged that I don't even know what has happened between now and then. A lot I'm sure.....

We are definitely on to bigger and better things...in time of course! I have officially quit smoking and hope that I have kicked the habit for good. Not the easiest thing but it has to be done for many reasons. I have also been dealing with a lot of emotions lately. Not really sure where they are bubbling up from and I can't say for sure that I am ready to confront those issues, if any, anyways. Maybe it's just me being hormonal! I know things have got to change for us and soon or I don't know how long we can hold on. Not having our own home is weighing a big toll on our relationship and I am worried that if this keeps going the way it's going, there is no going back to where we were. It's sad. Our one year anniversary is coming up in two weeks. Not only can we not afford to celebrate it but we have yet to even take a honeymoon. We never even got to enjoy the honeymoon phase of marriage. I don't want this to be our one and only anniversary. I hate even thinking it could be but things have got to change. A lot of it is me and I'll admit it. I can't pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I love Jacob with everything in me and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together but not sure that our situation isn't tearing us apart. Between our living arrangements and not being able to get caught up on our bills, I don't know what to do anymore. Win the lottery? That is a wonderful idea but ya got to play to win. I have debated just taking out a loan to pay off our debt then just have that one monthly payment but if we do that, we will never be able to get a loan for a house. I just need $15,000 to fall magically out of the sky and we would be ok.

My theory is life is too short to live like this. I don't want extravagant things. Just a place to call home and to have some of the bills payed down. Not much. But yet to some, that is too much to ask for. How dare I ask to have a place to call home for my family. I work hard for a living, as does Jacob and we have nothing to show for it. Of course we let ourselves get screwed around by people that only care about themselves. If we just would have gotten what we were supposed to get for our house, I could have used half of that for our debt and the other half for a down payment on another home. Our original price was already way under market value and to let them talk Jacob into anything less was wrong. Proves right there they never cared about us or their grandchild! But whatever. It is what it is! They are who they are!

I'll get off my soapbox now...

All in all though I can say that life is good! It's better than the alternative. Avari starts school in about a month. My baby is growing up sooo fast! Looking forward to the many opportunities that is going to bring us. We will difinitely miss Nancy dearly. She is the greatest! I just hope that we can all keep in touch as time goes by. She has been such a part of our life and is like family! Avari is soooo going to miss her! But it is time to take that next step and in the end, it will all be fine!

Work for me is still the same! Nothing new or exciting here. Jacob seems to really like his new job. I got to meet the owner of the company and Jacobs boss. They are really nice people and I am looking forward to getting to know them better. That was probably the best thing that could have happened for Jacob. He is actually getting to see what working for a real company is like and all of the good things that come with it. Another reason for me to thank God everyday!

I guess since I am supposed to be working right now, I better get back to it!

Quote for today is:

'I do not want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.'
- Diane Ackermann  

Lazy Sunday

There is so much I really could be doing today but just down right don't feel like it. Kinda in a funk today. I cleaned a bit yesterday and so far today I have got dinner in the crock pot. Being off all last week sick just makes me want to relax one last day before heading back to work tomorrow. Avari and Jacob are napping and I'm left with nothing to do....well except clean, but the mess will still be there tomorrow. I really hate that it is cold outside again. I was so hoping to get my potted plants redone. They all froze from the harsh winter we had. It will have to wait until Tuesday when it will be warm outside again.

Still been looking online at houses. I have found one that I really like but since Jacob just started a new job last week, we have to give it some time before we can buy. Hopefully within the next couple of months if we can pay down our debt and save quite a bit of money. I know we will never completely be debt free as we are drowning in medical bills, but it would be nice to have something to show for the work that we do. All in good time I guess. I refuse to put ourselves in a situation that wouldn't be good so when the time is right, we will buy and hopefully the house of our dreams will be waiting for us.

Other than that, it's just another Lazy Sunday. It is a beautiful day outside so maybe, just maybe it will warm up enough to get out there and do something. If not, a good lifetime movie and some quality family time will do just fine.

I think about Layla often and am continuing to pray for the Marsh Family.

Until next time......

Saturday Morning Routine...

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was check twitter for an update from Layla's mom. My heart sank when there was nothing. It had been 14 hours since the last update. Did that mean something happened? Lord, please tell me nothing happened, was all I could think. I pushed on and made myself get out of bed to begin my morning checks for work. Throughout the hour I was working, I think I checked twitter every two minutes just hoping for that update. When eventually, I finished, I decided to shift my focus to getting house work done and hoping that the next time I checked, the update would be there.

This is how everyday is for me. I check first thing when I wake up in the morning and it's the last thing I do before going to sleep at night, with several checks throughout my day. I often question myself as to why I am so consumed with this little girl. Could it be that it's because Avari is the same age and I couldn't imagine if it were me? Or is it just the mother in me? I don't have the answer to that. All I know is that I think about Layla all the time and pray for her healing.

She has brought me back to God. Before this, I prayed, but not like I should. Today I find myself praying several times a day for Layla. I also find myself questioning him also and as hard as this is to say, questioning his existance. In my heart I know and believe in God but my mind seems to think differently sometimes when I try to wrap my head around all of the ugliness in the world. All in all though, I pray. I believe. Miracles do happen, right? I just want so bad for this miracle to happen, for her to be healed. I believe that this is the hope that we as her followers need. To know that miracles do happen to those who believe.

Back to Saturday morning. I finish work, and begin to sort laundry and get started on that. Avari is watching cartoons and drinking milk. I make breakfast and continue on with my day. Granted it's only 10:42am. I found myself getting frustrated with Avari earlier for something little and had to take a step back for a second and remember that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I try so hard lately to not take for granted the little things, no matter how much they frustrated me in the past, and try to enjoy them now. Avari is my life, my world. So today will be her day. Playing outside on this beautiful day, a trip to the park, her favorite for lunch (mcdonalds of course) and just spending time together as a family! The Saturday morning routine is out the window for today. Laundry and cleaning can wait. It's the moments with family that matter the most.

Oh and Shanna did update twitter and I am at peace knowing that Layla had a restful night. Will be watching for future update and continuing to pray.

I am off to spend the day with my family and make the most of today and everyday to come!!

Thank You Layla for teaching me what life is really about.

Until next time.......

Moments Like These......

32 Hours and counting.....

Well I have made it 32 hours without smoking. So far, so good. I may be a little moody depending on who you ask but I feel good. I am expecting it to get harder as the days go by but I know that I can do it. No More Excuses!! I am drawing my strength from a beautiful 2 year old little girl who is losing her battle with Neuroblastoma. She is so strong and fighting with all of her might. Her story has absolutely broken my heart and I cannot begin to imagine what her family is going through, watching their beautiful baby slip away before their eyes. I don't think I have ever cried so hard for a complete stranger but when I look at her pictures, her eyes say it all....Layla Grace....praying for a miracle!

For the past few days, as I'm praying for a miracle for Layla, and with every twitter update from her family that things are getting worse, I am questioning whether miracles do happen. I have begun to lose hope in life because it seems like God is taking so many children that should get a chance at life. I know, in my heart, that he only takes the best and they have served their purpose, but then my question is, why are they suffering? I try to imagine what that little girl is thinking, at two, about what she is going through. I can't even begin to fathom it. Maybe I am losing a little bit of my faith because of all of the bad things that are happening but I will find it again. I just need to hold on to some sort of hope and I will find it again!

I guess I'm more angered at our society. We can portray on the news all of the disasters happening in other countries and we are quick to their rescue but we won't even do a news story on childhood cancer and help to raise awareness. Our government has no problem sending money to other countries to help them but why not help out here in our country and get more research and funding for these kids. I can bet that if the president's child was going through this, something would be done but since they cannot conceive of the pain, nothing will be done. That's not acceptable! I am making it my mission to raise awareness about the children. I plan to write whoever will listen and talk to whoever wants to help that something has to be done. Even though I do not have a sick child, I can still be a voice for those who do.These kids deserve more and we as a country need to come together, like we did for Haiti, and help fund a cure!!!

Not real sure where I am going to start but I will do this....for Layla and Dax and all of the other babies out there suffering!

Now that I have gotten that off my chest......

Avari is sick once again. Took her temp and it is only low grade. Gave her a dose of Motrin and a cup of milk and she is happily laying on the couch watching Diego. As for me, I can't seem to shake this darn cough. I should have wash board abs after coughing this much! HA! Jacob is the only one not sick but he will probably be next. We are still needing to work on a lot of issues but can't seem to get on the same page. It's a work in progress and no one said marriage was easy.

Until next time.....

                                                                  http://laylagrace.org/